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Do You Taunt Me On Purpose Or Do You Just Roll Like That?

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Parcelforce, the bane of my British existence. 2005: Box with my collection of Alasdair Gray First Editions goes missing. Parcelforce either forgot to attempt delivery or to leave a collection card. Boyfriend bravely battles his way to a remote depot, doing excellent postal kung-fu and leaves with my precious books in his arms.

2006: Christmas presents go missing, Parcelforce insists they've been delivered when I phone them for the fifth time (the other times the presents didn't exist on their system), December 29 our downstairs neighbour comes home from holiday to discover that our presents had been left with her for no apparent reason. No card or notices, of course.

2007: Another overseas "surprise" present goes missing. Parcelforce claims incorrect address when confronted with tracking number. Another delivery attempt obviously not attempted. We have to paid for extra special delivery - and our correct address is printed in big, black letters on the top of the box. We are not amused. Especially not me who may have given Parcelforce the URL of the Danish postal service, just for kicks.

2008: Where is my red alpaca-silk yarn, you freaky Parcelforce people?

Stay tuned.

And So the Football Season Picked Up Its Golden Armour..

Can we agree on an ban on the word "epic" in the following context: "Cousin, however, scored an epic goal.."? Let's look at the definition of "epic":

Pronunciation: \ˈe-pik\ Function: adjective Etymology: Latin epicus, from Greek epikos, from epos word, speech, poem — more at voice Date: 1589

1: of, relating to, or having the characteristics of an epic (an epic poem) 2 a: extending beyond the usual or ordinary especially in size or scope (his genius was epic — Times Literary Supplement)

Thus, a football season of normal duration or a regular goal cannot be described as "epic", dear BBC Scotland football commentator. And I'm going to hit you with a hardback copy of The Iliad next time you employ the word incorrectly. And that will cause you epic pain, believe me.

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Put Those Fangs Away, Mr Propp

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I'm toying with the idea of reading a couple of articles in From Homer to Hypertext: Studies in Narrative, Literature and Media. And I'm very amused that Amazon recommends 'laurell k. hamilton', 'paranormal romances' and 'dark hunter series' as similar products. I now have a vision of narratologists sinking their sharpened fangs into the alabaster necks of unsuspecting guest lecturers.. .. okay, no more coffee for me today.

Ps. I accidentally ordered some red alpaca/silk worsted weight the other day. First yarn purchase in a month! Any good ideas for cardigans or sweaters?

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Old Boys' Club

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Aspiring authors of the Anglophone persuasion, take note:

Hamish Hamilton, an imprint of Penguin, (..) gets four or so [manuscripts] a week - despite a note on the website that declares "Sadly, we're unable to consider unsolicited manuscripts. The best way to find a publisher is through an agent." These four are given to people in the office for a week or two on work experience; if they think there's any merit in the submission, it goes to publishing director Simon Prosser or one of his permanent colleagues. Yet nothing in the past 10 years has actually ended up in print that way. The only books that have been published and not arrived via an agent were recommended by friends in the publishing industry, or by Hamish Hamilton's writers, "which is slightly different, because there is some connection," says Prosser.

Aida Edemariam, an editor, has something to say about authors, agents and the publishing industry. The rules are slightly different in Denmark but not as different as you might expect.